During my pregnancy I was preparing myself for everything imaginable when having a newborn. I read ALL the baby books. I felt ready for this little boy to come in to our lives. What I was most ready for was that special bond every mother has when they breastfeed.
I told myself to try for six months. I had my breast pump (free, by the way, thank you insurance), I bought all the books from Amazon. I informed my employees that this is what I was doing. Until my son showed up 4 weeks early.
Oliver was born via emergency c-section and needed oxygen immediately. He managed to wrap his umbilical cord around his neck four times. We had our first glance and cried together on the operating table, then he was taken upstairs to NICU for the remainder of the four days spent in the hospital.
No skin to skin.
No immediate breastfeeding.
He was placed next to my head and I knew he was mine.
A few hours later I went to NICU to visit Oliver. The amount of pain and perocet was unimaginable. What was even more upsetting, Oliver wasn’t latching. He was so tiny and his little 5 pound body had wires hooked up to monitors, making it so difficult to get a good position. I had nurses arriving in shifts trying to do everything they could to get Oliver to latch until we made the ultimate decision that he needed a feeding tube for the time being.
I was failing.
I failed to go full-term with Oliver.
I was failing at breastfeeding.
I was failing within 3 hours of this mom-business.
My husband and I saw a lactation consultant for the first two weeks. I always looked forward to the appointments because for some miracle she could get Oliver to latch. And then we would head home and it was like I had to start all over. I wanted that bond between mother and baby. I didn’t want to pump. I didn’t want to use a nipple shield. I didn’t want to use formula. I didn’t want to consume oatmeal during every meal. I wanted to provide naturally. But I couldn’t. And I had to come to terms with ‘Fed is Best’.
We tried for six weeks. We made the decision that formula was our next option. I had to put my pride and ego on the back burner and realize that no matter how my son receives nutrients, he is being fed. And he is happy. Boy is he so happy.
I want first time mamas to know that I understand the struggle. The emotions. The hormones. We are in this overwhelming state of emotions with a newborn and we need to support each other with the decisions that we make for our families. Will I try breastfeeding my future children, yes. If that doesn’t work out, we will do formula. And they’ll like it. Because Fed is Best.
Check out: My Silent Struggle with Postpartum Anxiety
WHERE was this post when I had my first?!! I felt SO guilty when I was struggling with breastfeeding. SO GUILTY and it was only stressing me and my baby out. Eventually I went to formula and it was like breathing in peace over my household. You are SO right. xoxo.
I was so overwhelmed with the hormones and pain meds. I always think “what ifs” but that doesn’t get me anywhere. My son is happy and healthy. That is all that matters. I’m so happy you liked the article. Xoxo
Amen, mama! More women need to be given the permission to do what’s best for them when it comes to feeding their infants instead of wallowing in guilt, frustration, and feeling like they’re bad mothers (they are NOT). My nursing story started off like yours, and I nursed for 14 months but I also sent my son to daycare three days a week with formula for a good 7 months and I pumped, and sometimes I didn’t nurse for days, and you know what? My boy is OH so happy too. Here’s to hoping more mamas get the message that FED is BEST.
This sounds all too familiar for me. My 1st son was born by emergency C-Section at 36 weeks. Breastfeeding was a nightmare that ended up with him being re-admitted to NICU because he lost too much weight and me being re-admitted a few weeks later with a breast abcess. With the help of an exceptional lactation consultant I was able to still breastfeed (supply line feeding), but after the abcess I never could make enough milk on my own.
I really relate to you feeling like a failure because that’s exactly how I felt. It didn’t matter than I could rationally explain why I wasn’t a failure. I still felt like it anyway.
Even though I have my own blog I still haven’t summoned up the courage (and tissues) to really write about that time yet.
Thank you so much for sharing! I hope you find a way to express your feelings on your blog. I think it is so important to put the #momshaming aside and know that we are all in this together! Fed babies are happy babies!
This is almost exactly what happened with me and my son. After a tumultuous pregnancy/birth, I was determined to breastfeed and have felt so guilty and sad that things haven’t happened that way. People are so hesitant to share when breastfeeding doesn’t work out so you feel so alone. This post helps to reassure me that no matter what we’re amazing mamas and will raise amazing babies. My son is two months old and perfectly healthy and happy (currently snoring in my arms) with his bottles of formula.
Thank you for sharing Amanda! We are so hard on ourselves. Enjoy your snuggles ☺️